The other day, a friend and I got to talking about bitches. He remarked on how much bitches like it when you touch their nipples. I thought about that for a while and it made me incredibly uncomfortable.
I love dogs a lot. I’ve never had a dog of my own, so I can get pretty gooey around other people’s dogs. Often dogs don’t like me because they can sense my desperation and it weirds them out. That just feeds my love of dogs, because they’re so humany in ways you wouldn’t even expect.
One way that dogs are not humany, though, is their nipples. Humans have two nipples, but dogs can have like ten. Sometimes ten baby dogs will attach themselves to a mother dog’s nipples and that is an incredibly freaky thing to see. It’s uncanny, because the mother dog is doing one of the most human things in a seriously unhuman way. It’s also humiliating, because the mother dog is still five times the woman I am.
More than that, dog nipples are nipples. Nipples are difficult to talk about, because nipples serve two functions that are very separate functions. I would like to keep those functions as separate as possible, but I can’t, because I only have one set of nipples and they have to do both things. I’d like to think that if I had five sets of nipples I could reserve at least one for the function that is not giving nourishment to babies, but I don’t see dogs doing that.
This is probably why I am weird about my nipples. There is a picture of me standing next to my mother and grandmother in which my nipples are hard. It was cold out that day, but I still don’t like it one bit. I also don’t like it when certain people touch my nipples, such as boyfriends who have crossed the intimacy threshold into familyville. The wrongest thing I can possibly imagine is a family member touching my nipples, and yet that’s exactly why I have them.
The worst part is that nourishing family is the primary function of nipples. The other part is just a bonus feature. It’s like nature gave us a paring knife that can also be used as a dildo. Nature is incredibly weird, which itself is weird to think, because I come from nature. But the human brain is like a rebellious teenager who hates its parents and still ends up on the box factory line. Right now I’m having a great time treating my body like an amusement park. But one day a baby might rip itself out of my body and attach itself to my nipples, and then nature will be laughing.
Nature is not only weird, but shitty, because it programmed the human brain to find it disgusting. It programmed us with a concept of aesthetics, and then covered everything with little hairy germs and made us run on slime. It programmed us with a concept of decency, then packed us full of giant wormy tubes that produce shit. It programmed us to not want to have sex with family members and then based the whole family thing on sex.
Dogs are comforting, because even though they’re humany, they’re more natural than us. So even though it’s gross to watch a dog shit in public, it’s comforting to know that I would never do that. Another comforting thing is pleasure, which kind of sticks it to nature by treating bonus features as primary functions. Then I think about dogs getting off on having their million nipples touched and I remember that the natural world is one giant boggy morass and that I’m literally full of shit.