How it sucks having to be mature about things

My last boyfriend is now with someone new. They seem well suited to one another. I know this because I stalked his Twitter, and, after that, hers. Also I know this because when we were still dating he talked about her. I said, “You like her.” He said, “No I don’t.” Then we had a crazy fight.

One thing I’ve learned is that if you suspect the person you’re with likes someone else, you are probably correct. That’s just part of knowing somebody. If you’re in a good relationship, it probably doesn’t matter all that much.

I said that they seem well suited to each other. I don’t know this for sure, but I strongly suspect it. Another thing I strongly suspect is that he is not a bad person. And still another thing I strongly suspect is that we were not in a good relationship.

There are some things I suspect, and there are some things I know. I know that after we broke up I couldn’t sleep or eat for a while. I know that, after we broke up, I secretly hoped we would get back together. I know now that that will probably never happen. And I know now that that is for the best.

In a way, I wish I didn’t have my knowledge or my suspicions. I wish I didn’t even have a clue. Then I could hate his guts and talk to my friends about what a stupid piece of shit he is. I can’t do that in good faith, though, because, based on what I know, I don’t think he’s a stupid piece of shit. I think that I am a fallible human person who had feelings for someone who wasn’t great for me and it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. It’s a bummer to have to think that, but it’s true.

When you know something is true, it’s really hard to think the opposite. There was a time when I could do that, but back then I didn’t care as much about trying to figure out what was actually true. I cared more about feeling good about stuff. Now I would rather figure out what’s actually true, and then try to feel good about stuff. What this means is that I’m more mature about certain things.

Being more mature about certain things is great. Life is way easier as a result. I feel healthier, like if I stopped smoking and drinking and eating shitty food, except emotionally. When I feel bad about smoking and drinking and eating shitty food, I think, “Well, at least I’m mature in ways that some people who don’t drink or smoke or eat shitty food are not.” I guess that’s not particularly mature.

Sometimes maturity is a drag, though. For example, when you can’t eat or sleep. And when you want to tell your friends what a stupid piece of shit your ex-boyfriend is.


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