The problem with porn

I have a million things to say about porn, but I’m not going to say most of them here. I’m just going to talk about one problem I have with porn, which is that I find it very difficult to watch. Not for political reasons, but because watching porn makes me feel like I am missing out. I don’t want to watch people having fun that I’m not having. It actually hurts.

I have such a strong reaction to porn that porno scenes are pretty much concentrate for me. I comb for a few choice ones every couple of years, and they become my standbys for the next couple of years. I try to mash them together with things I have done or could conceivably do, as well as people I have done or could conceivably do. It still hurts, because in real life it’s never quite the same.

I think some people are good at compartmentalizing fantasy and reality, but the gaping chasm between the two really disturbs me. Again, I don’t mean politically. I’m generally OK with consensual sex that is gross out of context. I mean experientially. Here is an example: when I was eighteen, lots of older guys would hit on me because I looked so innocent and corruptible. At the time I had an inkling that I wanted to be corrupted, but I was too scared to let anyone do it. Had I not been scared, these men probably would have been. Now that I am fine with being corrupted, I am too old to corrupt. I am definitely older than lots of the porn actors I have watched.

Even when I do manage to get porny things done in real life, it often feels like I’m just doing it so that I can be the star for once, and not some wallflower twiddling myself on the sidelines. In real life, porny stuff can sometimes be distracting. You kind of look forward to the vanilla portion of the boning, when you have room to reflect on what you just did.

No matter how much fun you have with your body, the brain has to make the orgasm happen by screaming weird shit at you. The brain can’t work right when the body’s all haywire. What I’m trying to say is that sex is a brain-body endeavour, and the brain is a complete asshole about the whole thing. It makes the body bring it fodder and then hoards it.

Maybe that’s why porn is so difficult to watch. It’s a reminder to the body that the brain doesn’t need it to get off. The body always needs the brain, though.

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