This is not a post about how the nerds have won, because that’s obvious. Instead, it’s a post about how nerds have to adjust their attitudes now that they’re the victors.
-Nerd men, don’t talk about how women aren’t interested in you anymore. That is obviously not true. When I meet a guy with glasses or weird hair and a self-deprecating manner, the hall monitor in my brain goes, “Don’t even think about it,” the same way it would with a guy who was tremendously good-looking and a bit cocky.
-Nerd women, don’t go for nerd men. They’re not diamonds in the rough, they’re sausages at the lunchmeat party. The same thing that once applied to stuff still applies to dudes: when they get too popular, you have to move on. I recommend legitimate weirdos who genuinely don’t know how to communicate with people.
-Realize that people who aren’t nerds feel the exact same way about you as you felt about people who had it together in school. You can gloat about it, but don’t be as bad.
-Also, a lot of “the popular kids” actually have incredibly shitty lives now. So “Sarah” has three kids and is getting a divorce and moving back in with her mother in Scarborough. This is payback for calling you “Devil Bitch” twelve years ago? If you actually think that, you are way worse than Sarah ever was.
-Now that people have gotten into things you always liked, don’t be a dick about having liked them first. This is really difficult, for two reasons: one, it’s annoying when people go on and on about nerd things they obviously didn’t grow up on, and you don’t want to be one of them. Two, it’s really frustrating when people get into things that you’ve always liked and they don’t recognize that you liked it first.
Here’s the thing, though: the only thing worse than someone who just got into something and won’t shut up about it is someone who liked it first and won’t shut up about that. Everyone likes Star Trek: The Next Generation now. Get over it. It took me six centuries to get over the fact that everyone likes indie rock now and I was a total asshole the entire time.
-Bear in mind that you’re not actually a nerd anymore. Don’t whine about people not understanding you when all they do is try to understand you so they can be like you. And don’t ever say, “I’m a nerd.” That’s for people who were never nerds to say.