Going out on dates

Being single is great half the time. A quarter of the time, it’s neutral. Another quarter of the time, it sucks. Sometimes you get a cold and there’s no one to take care of you. And other times you have to go out on dates.

Dates take up nights of your life that would be better spent hanging out with friends or getting work done. You know five minutes into a date whether the thing is going to go anywhere, but for some reason you still have to stick it out. Isn’t that silly? Every date should start on a park bench in the dark, so that you don’t have to go through two more pitchers if it turns out your sensibilities are completely different and it’s no one’s fault.

But the worst thing about dating is when a date goes well. Because then you’re in for weeks, possibly months, of more dating, and then a lot of weird stuff will start to happen.

For one thing, the person you’re dating will become a big palpating boil of faults. The faults don’t even have to be bad. They can be as simple as owning a bad sweater or having a funny gait. Bad faults are almost better because at least you can hopefully make jokes about them without coming across as incredibly crazy. And you don’t want to do that. Because if you get crazy, they will start to not like you, and if they start to not like you, you will start to like them. That’s how dating works.

Dating someone who isn’t a total non-starter feels like having your destiny wrested away from you. You think constantly about what would happen if it worked out and you were stuck with them forever. It’s similar to being told you’re going to die. I think this is because your brain, when confronted with another brain it might one day make a new brain with, takes ten centuries to sort out its impressions. So half of it is psyched, but the other half is using every available resource to stop you from proceeding.

Of course, if you actually do fall in love, everything shitty about them will turn to gold. But it probably won’t work out, and then it’s like your brain spent years building Mel Lyman a magic theatre and Mel Lyman just told her to tear it all down.

Not trying to be doom and gloom, just saying. Obviously I still go on dates.


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