Single life with the two brains

I am single. It’s fine as long as I keep my apartment clean. I think for a while I saw guys just so I’d have another place to sleep if the mess in my room became unbearable. Another reason I saw guys was because I had a centipede infestation and I needed someone to kill them for me. Now I have the inner strength to live alone with centipedes.

Half the time I really like being single. It’s fun to do whatever you want. But I don’t think being single is a natural state. People function best in pairs. I know this because my brain is actually two brains, and they bicker like an actual human couple.

When I was a kid I used to conceptualize a shitty person who lived in the brain next door and was always making life difficult for me over in the good brain. The person even had kind of a face. Sometimes I see similar faces in real life and I hate the people they belong to.

That brain doesn’t have a face anymore, but it’s definitely still shitty. It’s always encouraging me to eat pastries and masturbate and take naps. It calls the other brain lame for encouraging the body to go to the gym, but you know what? It has to go to the gym because shitty brain puts so many shitty things in it all the time.

Decent brain is the best and I wish I could hang out with it all the time, but shitty brain is so shrill and high-maintenance that I can’t. That’s the thing, though, about being single: it forces decent and shitty brain to interact more.

Relationships are a third-party mediator for your two brains. Not actually. They are more like a dictator for your two brains. Without a strong leader, the brains have to work it out among themselves. One has to lead. Otherwise brain is enemy to brain and life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

I think decent brain is winning out. Not this week, though. My apartment looks like shit and I think there are centipedes underneath all the shit on the floor and I’m feeling kind of lonely.



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3 responses to “Single life with the two brains

  1. you feel everything i feel.
    and as much as this is amazing,
    I feel inadequate as I am not able to
    stress, smile or frown upon my daily musings.
    Kudos for your talent, as I wish my stunted
    verbiage was as blessed as yours.
    am so jealous I may cry.
    No, i’m so fucking serious.

  2. hey, im jenny i live in montreal too – your latest posts are dead on to me, such a pleasure to read – being single, dinner parties, the fun factor in toronto to montreal…im moving back to toronto in a few months and am fully anticipating the culture shock.

  3. Alex Molotkow

    I just realized I never replied to these, and I feel really bad about that because thanks so much!

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