I watched a lot of Saturday Night Live in elementary school, right around the time the series hit its nadir. Every other joke was about Monica Lewinsky and the marquee names included Cheri Oteri, Ana Gasteyer, and Chris Kattan, whose most famous characters were Doug Butabi, the Roxbury Guy, and Mango, the exotic dancer.
I developed a huge crush on Chris Kattan. I have no idea why. Had I been a few years older, I would tell you that I was trying to be “different.” But at the time I didn’t want to be different. I just really liked Chris Kattan. I printed off pictures of him as Mango, in his gold shorts, and as Doug Butabi, in his shiny suit, and I glued them to my school binder. People would say, “Who’s that guy?” And I’d say, “He’s Chris Kattan. I love him.” And they would laugh at me, because that’s weird.
One day I was surfing the net and I saw a banner advertising a live chat with Chris Kattan on one of those chat websites that used to exist. I joined up immediately and waited for Chris to come online. It was hard to get a word in, given the high volume of fans, but I managed to ask him whether he judged women based on looks and if he’d be my friend. To the first question he said something to the effect of “I guess,” and to the second he did not reply.
Years later, well after he’d made A Night at the Roxbury and Corky Romano, Chris Kattan married a model named Sunshine Tutt.
They separated after two months. Well, Chris Kattan, you had your chance.