Taxonomy of bugs in my apartment

It’s bug season chez me. It starts with teeny tiny bugs, then big bugs come to eat, then even bigger bugs come to feast. By the end there are so many bugs that if I really got bored I could pretend I was the master of bugs, and just sit on my bed commanding them to go in one direction or another.

I thought I was OK with all the bugs, but the other day I had a dream that my apartment had a basement and the walls were latticed centipede legs. When I woke up, I had an awful day.

But I’m coming to understand bugs at least, and one thing I’ve learned is there are different categories of bugs.

GOOD

Big black ants: They earn their share.

NEUTRAL

Pill bugs: Plebs of the bug world. Some crawl slow, some run fast. Some die in the bathtub, some get eaten by centipedes. All of them just trying to make their way in this world.

Gnats: I would file gnats under “bad,” because they are so plentiful, except they bring joy by not being mosquitoes.

FINE BUT NOT GREAT

Jumping spiders: They’re kind of cute, but I think they sometimes bite me in my sleep.

Little ants: They look gross when they all swarm together and I hate realizing that dots are alive.

Daddy long legs: How are they even alive?

BAD

Fruit flies: Once fruit flies laid eggs in a clove of garlic I had. When I opened up the garlic it had all these itty bitty maggots in it.

Spiders: I’m not super scared of spiders, except for ones that look like the ones that caused the guy’s hand to rot in that email.

EVIL

Maggots: Proof that kids are the worst.

Earwigs: Why do we call them that? We don’t call maggots “gutslurpers.”

Weird long black bug that is like an earwig but mixed with Alien from Alien: Once I saw one of these guys nipping away at a coiled-up earthworm.

-Centipedes: The Cthulu of bugs.

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